10 Doses of Healthcare Humor for the Holidays

Older people shouldn’t eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get. [Robert Orben] My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel 10 years older already. [Milton Berle] Food is an important part of a balanced diet. [Fran Lebowitz]

Telling signs on office doors: Maternity: “Push. Push. Push.” Endoscopy: “To expedite your visit, please back in.” Optometry: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” Gynecology: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” Podiatry: “Time wounds all heels.”

Slightly doctored consultations: Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed 10 quarters? Nurse: No change yet. Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox. Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell! Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Actual notes doctors have written on patients’ medical charts: Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-lb weight gain in the past 3 days. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. She is numb from her toes down. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc. The CEO says, "This is terrific!" "Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."

And, speaking of medicine: Minor surgery is an operation performed on somebody else.--Anonymous. According to hospital insurance codes, there are 9 different ways you can be injured by turtles.-Wall Street Journal I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.-Dave Barry I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?-Jay London

Doctors operate on their own terms: Idioms particular to the medical profession: Botulism: a tendency to make mistakes Intestine: currently taking an exam Cardiology: Advanced study of card playing Inpatient: tired of waiting. Rectum: Damn near killed ‘em Cat scan: searching for kitty. Pathological: a reasonable way to go.

Testy transcriptions: Dictated: using a beta blocker for rate control. Transcribed: using a beta blocker for weight control. Dictated: outcome was a baby weighing 4.010 kg. Transcribed: outcome was a baby weighing 4010 kg. Dictated: rapid strep. Transcribed: rabbit strep. Dictated: patient had large expulsive bowel movements. Transcribed: patient had large explosive bowel movements. Dictated: testes are descended. Transcribed: testes are distended